


Into the Woods

by purglepurglepurgle



Category: GAYLE (Web Series)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, I felt this needed to exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 18:51:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20451908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purglepurglepurgle/pseuds/purglepurglepurgle
Summary: Gayle and family get lost in the woods. There's no reception, but the wifi modem in Terry's leg has allowed Gayle to contact the emergency services. Now the family's survival depends on Gayle. What could go wrong?Lazily-formatted script.





	Into the Woods

_GAYLE, TERRY and DAVE are lost in the woods. GAYLE is on the phone to an OPERATOR from the emergency services._

OPERATOR:

Okay, do you have the what3ikea app?

_GAYLE looks bored, distracted._

GAYLE:

App, yeah, sure, I've got an app.

OPERATOR:

Okay, ma'am, I want you to load up the app and tell me what three Ikea product names it shows.

Then I can map them to your location, and we can send out a--

_There is a loud crowing sound._

OPERATOR:

Ma'am?

_GAYLE is jabbing at her phone. The phone is making cawing sounds. GAYLE smiles and gives a slow nod of approval._

GAYLE:

Solid app.

OPERATOR:

Ma'am?

_GAYLE jabs the phone some more. The phone makes more birdcalls, rising in volume._

OPERATOR:

Um, ma'am, what does the app say--

GAYLE:

How do I turn this thing up... Jackpot!

_The phone is now crowing very, very loudly_

OPERATOR:

Um, ma'am--

GAYLE:

You hear it? Which way we gotta walk?

_The phone crows._

OPERATOR:

Ma'am, you need to tell me your location--

_GAYLE hits the crow button, wordlessly and repeatedly, expression fixed._

TERRY:

Mom, that's not the right app, that's Crow Sounds.

DAVE:

Oh, goodness, I-I've heard of that; TERRY, make sure your mother doesn't hit number 2

TERRY:

What's number 2?

_The phone crows._

OPERATOR:

Ma'am, please, I'm struggling to hear you; there's some kind of loud birdcall in your vicinity--

GAYLE:

Yeah, yeah, that's the app, what now?

_The phone crows._

TERRY:

Mom, it's not the right app, that one literally just makes the sounds of a crow.

_The phone crows._

GAYLE:

Hello? You gonna tell us how to get home, or do we only get answers if we perform an occult ritual in some incestuous enactment of The Crucible?

TERRY:

Ugh, Mom!

GAYLE:

Now, I'm no tree-humpin' leaf blower, but we gotta protect the forest from that shit!

Every redwood within a thousand miles is gonna strangle itself with its own decorative ivy if it witnesses

Dave's pasty ass, ballroom dancing naked in the woods. Get us outta here!

OPERATOR:

Ma'am, I've requested your location but you're repeatedly playing me a recording of a crow.

_The phone crows._

GAYLE:

Oh hey, there's more than one button on this thing!

_GAYLE's finger slams down. The phone emits a different crow sound. Angrier, somehow. It echoes through the trees. GAYLE pauses, finger hovering above the button. She blinks. Ominous silence. Then the leaves overhead rustle._

DAVE:

Oh no, oh no, that's number 2...

TERRY:

Dad?

DAVE:

Th-that call makes the crows... angry.

_Red eyes gleam between the tree branches. GAYLE takes a big step back, drops her phone._

GAYLE:

Nope, no freakin' way, I am not stickin' around to be an impressively tall canapé for the night fowl!

It's every woman for herself! C'mon, legs, you take care of me and I'll take care of you!

_GAYLE sprints away. In the distance, we hear TERRY's exasperated shout of 'Mom!' and DAVE's quieter 'ooch, ouch!', amidst the cawing of a thousand crows. Cut away._

_Next cut. GAYLE is standing on the edge of the forest, panting. She gives her legs a proud pat. She looks at the camera._

GAYLE:

So... guess I left my family for dead. It happens. What would you have done?

**Author's Note:**

> Context: [ Crow Sounds](https://twitter.com/chrisfluming/status/1160430137373970433) and that person on google play who gave the 'Crow Sounds' app 4 stars but warned everyone away from it as call #2 made the crows angry (this fic ain't fiction; it's a documentary). I'm not as funny as Chris Fleming, but I tried.


End file.
